Picture of the week - week 5 / Ramble

I’m aware today is friday, I feel disappointed because I promised myself I’d be consistent with my POTW series, but I’ve just been so stressed this week. A few days ago it felt like the end of the world. Time keeps passing by so fast and I just can't bring myself to do anything productive. I wrote a small rant on my story and I wanna share it here too. I was awakened by what this person said during a street interview

I feel her so hard I genuinely cannot lock in on anything for years I procrastinate I half ass everything and cut corners as much I can I mess up every opportunity and second chance I get and when something bad eventually happens I cry and wonder why I didn’t put in any afford and promise to do better I live with the consequences then my mental health gets somewhat stable and I do it all over again and again I’m scared to ask for help because I will act and to not deliver on my promises even with the people I love I don’t show up I give myself way too much grace for my lackluster behavior part of me feels selfish I do nothing to change it I keep telling myself that I’m trying my best but it feels like a lie but my mind is just so exhausted all the time it wasn’t so bad with mom because she would check up on me and the same and I don’t want my behavior to affect other people I always try to convince myself why it’s okay for me to give up remind me to do things but now that I’m alone I’m spiraling back down to my self-isolation my living standards get lower and lower everyday part of me has grown to accept this I don’t feel like I’m able to change

I entered a flow state and wrote everything in one block. I think posting this in public (even if its just a private account) changed something in me a little. I feel like I actually want to try now that others know about my situation…

19/04/26 13:09

Last Friday I received my Taobao order! I was super excited about my new coord and the felt dolls I commissioned

I felt so good wearing my new clothes! EGL euphoria…It’s truly so beautiful.

The next day I decided to go out with my new coord. I was surprised how beautiful and sunny and warm it was outside. I didn’t even need to wear my fleece tights. I felt a little nervous for some reason. Probably because it was the first time after a while that I go out without a coat covering up my coord. I didn’t go far just the little garden down the hill, I really wanted to record clips with my new coord, I also brought Kaiji with me of course

There were two girls sitting across from me, I felt their eyes on me but at this point I should be used to this plus It’s not good for me to assume the worst thing, so I just focused on what I came to do

When I finally sat down, one of the girls approached me, she complimented me and asked where I got my clothes from. I got really excited and explained everything to her! After a bit she came back with a whole pack of cookies. I was hesitating because there was so much left inside but she insisted on giving them to me

At that point I realized the universe was trying to help me out

My mental health had been in a horrible state the previous days and I was genuinely wondering how I could keep going, I needed to hold on a little longer

I wasn’t out for long, but that day felt incredible, I really needed this

I also got a lot of lovely compliments from my friends on Instagram when I posted my new coord on Instagram…

At that point I was thinking maybe life is worth living. I need to keep chasing and looking forward to these beautiful moments

I’m having some troubles with uni assignments, but I don’t feel like writing about that

bye

20/04/26
selfie from my laptop
I wanna take more of these